I like to keep stocks of things. I’m not really sure why but I think it’s because I was born into a poor working-class family during rationing just after the war. (Everyone say “shame”). We didn’t have much of anything really (just tons of bloody Rhubarb which seemed to grow bloody everywhere – so we had bloody rhubarb tart, bloody rhubarb jam, bloody rhubarb and custard and sometimes just bloody rhubarb).

So now I’ve become a bit of a hoarder. Not in the sense that I collect useless junk (which I do) but rather that I like to have “supplies” – of absolutely everything.

I commute, most weeks, between Cape Town and Johannesburg. In my gulag in Joburg all by myself I take great pride and comfort in my store cupboard. I hate going to the shops you see, so I tend to buy tinned and frozen things in bulk. I always have 6 cans of baked beans for example. When that gets down to 3 I have to re-stock. The same goes for other tinned goods, candles, light bulbs and stuff like that. My apartment is like a mini Woolworths. And as for medications? Well, I defy any chemist to have a better stock of remedies than I have. (I can even cure Green Monkey Fever if ever you get struck down with that – worth remembering).

And when I open my second last bottle of scotch I buy another 3 as quickly as possible. I have enough soda water to fill a small swimming pool. With red wine it’s a bit different – I only panic when I open the last case. I keep enough cigars that would make Fidel Castro smile.

So instead of going out gambling and whoring I spend my evenings counting tins of peas, tinned vegetables, frozen cottage pies and ensuring I have enough wine glasses should anyone visit (nobody does of course – but I’m prepared anyway). Sometimes I have to adapt mealtime choices to suit what’s available. I had left-over lamb curry this morning for example (now one of my favourites). So it’s a rich and fulfilling life I live in Johannesburg for 3 nights every week.

But there’s a problem. It’s these damn “sell-by” and “best before” dates. (Have you ever wondered if politicians should perhaps be labelled the same way? I mean, what would Julius Malema’s “best before” date be? Robert Mugabe’s must have been back in the 1980’s I should think.) George Bush would never have had one of course and Gordon Brown’s would have been about 24 hours after Tony Blair left Downing Street.

There are serious consequences attached to “sell by” dates. Just yesterday I had to throw out some tinned tuna because it had “best before Oct 2006” stamped on it. No ways am I touching that. The same goes for the Weetbix I bought in 2003.

Apart from having to eat things before they’ve become huge salmonella depositories, covered in a mysterious green fungus, there’s the awful problem of having to buy small quantities of everything when it comes to fresh stuff. And, let me tell you, there is nothing more embarrassing than buying just one potato and one onion.

In Cape Town I don’t have this problem because (a) the wife deals with that and, in any case, (b) I have a son whom I suspect is simply a re-engineered Hoover. So rather than invoke the sad thin-lipped smiles of the Spar check-out lady when I buy one chop, five brussel sprouts, a potato and two bananas, I tend to buy more than I need as I’ve now found a solution for this embarrassment. It’s simple. I just use what I need and donate what’s left over to David Bullard’s household because, shame, they deserve it.


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